Unfortunately, one of the biggest relationship mistakes also happens to be one of the most tempting things to do if you are in a relationship: Making your partner responsible for your happiness and blaming him or her when you are not!
It is a little scary to listen to many of the most popular songs on the radio. So often, the message is: You make me happy; I’d be lost without you; you are my world, or other, similar types of messages which take away all the power and responsibility tomake yourself happy and put it on someone else. Wow! If you think about it, that’s an enormous amount of pressure to put on another person. It’s like saying, I can’t always be happy myself, but if you’re going to be with me, you’d better make me happy!
On the surface, this concept seems rather obvious, but how many of us really do take full responsibility for our own happiness? How often do we say to ourselves, ‘Why can’t my wife be different?’ or ‘It makes me so mad when my husband acts that way’, or ‘I’m stressed because my husband works too many hours’. When you examine these (and thousands of other) very common statements and thoughts, it becomes clear that they suggest, however subtly, that somehow, someone other than you is responsible for your happiness.
The thinking is like this: If only he (or she) were different, I’d be happy. They have to change. Not me, no way. It’s them! What we’ve found is that if you believe that the answer to your unhappiness lies in some one else’s hands (no matter how much you love them), you’re in for loads of trouble.
Even if they manage to accommodate you with occasional changes, you’ll come to rely on these changes for your continued happiness. There will be only one possible result. Eventually, you’ll be let down and will be discouraged. You’ll be left with that helpless and dependent ‘It’s his/her fault’ feeling.Don’t get us wrong. We’re not saying your partner doesn’t play a role in your happiness, or that you’re not the happiest when you are together or that you wouldn’t or shouldn’t be devastated if your partner left you by choice, or by circumstance.
We certainly feel that way about each other as do all of the happy couples we know.We’re also not suggesting that there are not dramatic examples where it’s clear that one partner is imposing on the other’s chances of being happy. What we are saying is that, ultimately, you and you alone are responsible for making yourself happy.
When your life isn’t working, you need to make changes or see things differently. You may have to make difficult choices, have painful or uncomfortable discussions, or compromise in some way. But you have to take responsibility for your own level of happiness. There isn’t a relationship good enough to do it for you.This is a very empowering insight for both you and your partner. In effect, you are making a statement to yourself that, while your relationship is absolutely a top priority and your love of your partner is immense, you have the power and the ability to make yourself happy.
This means that you are okay when things aren’t going so well or when your partner proves to be human. Your happiness isn’t entirely dependent on your partner’s acting in a very specific, pre-determined way.You are also making an important statement to your partner, taking a great deal of pressure off that person: It’s okay for you to be human. You can make mistakes and you don’t have to walk around on eggshells or pretend to be a certain way when you’re near me. You don’t have to worry that I will freak out every time you disappoint me. I accept the fact that when I’m disappointed, the disappointment is coming from my own thoughts.I have preferences, but won’t allow these preferences to ruin my life. You can have low moods and you even have my permission to be less than perfect.
I’m okay even when you’re not okay, and I love you as unconditionally as I know how.By taking responsibility for your own happiness, you open the door to a new type of relationship, one based on honesty, re s p o n s i b i l i t y, courage and wisdom.If you take this road, you’re in for a lifetime of nice surprises. You’ll be amazed at how happier you’ll be when you put the responsibility for your own happiness where it belongs — with you.
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